Sometimes, I don’t know why I keep trying to do this. I love nicotine. I love everything about it. Since I started around 19, I have tried to quit about 12 times. At this point, I have lost count of how many times I have tried to quit.
Still, I know that it is for the best. During the quarantine, I was arguably the healthiest I had ever been in my entire life. I was exercising almost every day. I was in more control of my diet. I had an improved sleep schedule. I wasn’t drinking every day. And I wasn’t smoking.
All of that went out the window after I got a new job. I got hired right around October, right before the rush of holiday seasons. Work after work. Celebration on top of celebration. I wouldn’t say that I let myself go but I wasn’t keeping myself together either.
Even after the New Year had come and gone, I was still busy dealing with a combination of outstanding plans and spontaneous ones. I went to Indiana for a Dungeons and Dragons Convention at the beginning of the month. I went to visit some friends down in Texas at the end of the month. Additionally, a friend of mine told me last minute that they were going to be at an anime convention so I bought tickets last minute.
That is 3 weekends in a row of all work, all play, and no sleep. It was also an expensive weekend, too. This is part of the reason why I want to try quitting again. A smoking habit is expensive, eating away what seems like small bits of cash at a time when really it is burning a large, cigarette-sized burn in your income.
But really, it is about my health. Objectively, I had more energy when I was at my best moments in quarantine. I was able to achieve that in a vacuum when I didn’t have to work and didn’t have the obligations of the world to occupy my time.
Yet, I don’t see why I couldn’t do all of those things that I was doing right during the pandemic. This is the first step.
Do I want to give up smoking entirely? No. My favorite smoking moments are during parties and celebrations, ones that go long into the night, where friends are drinking and vibing. We tell each other stories of our past and tell each other how much we love each other. I watch them in our merry as I take a hit, hold it in my lungs, and exhale. I love and savor this.
What I don’t want is to keep it as a habit. Smoking can make you feel sluggish and manic at the same time. Your mind starts to crave something. If you tell yourself it can’t smoke, then you instantly think about something else that will give you a moment of relief in some other way. Food. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. As someone with ADHD, it is already incredibly distracting.
They say that it takes 90 days to completely break a previously existing habit. I think I will have to do my best to keep myself busy during that time. I think the hardest times for me are idle moments and social environments. I hope that by June 1st, I will have used all of that time to replace one bad habit with several decent ones.
Because smoking is a fun luxury but an annoying habit.
Danger Wonka 